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| Badluck... racism... and the rest of my pointless existence.. |
| 05.28.04 (4:20 pm) [edit] |
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Today... badluck took over... if there is such... i woke up and ate the remaining "sinigang" that we had yesterday... i heated it up... but then it got so hot and i don't think i will be able to taste anything for the rest of the day... and i was so clumsy that i was choked by the seeds of an "okra'!!!! and then i pestered ate Melody with some stupid questions like... "Kung mansanas ang puno, ano ang bunga???" of course she would answer, "mansanas din"... but when i asked her "Kung isda ang kinain, ano ang itatae mo???", then because of "attentional inertia", she would be likely to make a mistake and answer "eh natural, isda rin"... but if you're aware that you're being tried to be tricked, you should be alert and focus on the datails... but, no, she didn't!!! then she was compaining about me having a "mabigat na kamay" because whenever i touch her when she tries to wresstle me when she gets annoyed, i hold her back and the day after, she complains about having some bruises in her forearms and shoulders... then i was joking her again by making her slap me on the face then i would just turn the other cheek!!!! then if she throws anything on me, i would throw back a piece of 'pandesal' to her face.... sort of taking the teachings of the bible literally... After that, I was using the spray that we "arbored" from the barber shop to squirt water at her... Then, she after cleaning the house, I was surprised when she picked up a more powerful watergun and fought back!!! too bad for her, I mixed shampoo with the water i was using and her eyes got sore and she spat out again and again because of the bitter taste of the shampoo... then, it's pretty early but when i read claire's blog... i saw another funny side of human nature... you know, people really try to avoid being racists... you know, because they are far more progressive thinkers than that... because they are not 'barbaric" anymore, as Jomar would probably say... BUT, by doing so, they tend to become even more racially prejudiced because they, though they badly try to deny, biased towards the other race!!! for example, you try to avoid being racist on Fantasia that you actually become in favor of her just so as people wouldn't say you're a damn bigot!!! well, in the case of fantasia, that may not be always true because she is undeniably talented... I admit, i am a little of a racist... I am half Chinese but sometimes, i tend to be annoyd by the chinese traits and culture... and i also tend to judge people partly by their race... Well, i have a pretty good explanation for that... In my "teoryang barok", I believe that the human mind is highly "plastic", meaning modifiable by experience, but the natural blueprint of the mind and character is partly hereditary... think of it, if you see a Labrador, you would almost be sure that they would be playful though big... and if you see a Pitbull, you would almost be sure that they would be fierce and agressive... Pretty much the same in humans, though a little more compex and variable bacause of the molding effect of experience... but, that natural blueprint stays in the unconcious part... So, I believe Ilokanos, Ilonggos (or whatever that race may be) have tendencies to be "kuripot' and Pampanguenos tend to be "arogante at magarbo" (if that's the right assumption)... Especially if they are natives of that race! But of course, I would give chances and my first impressions don't always last... Another part of it would be the conditions where their race was cultivated... If Ilonggos were once living in hostile lands, then they would evolve to be "kuripot" to survive... It would stick to their culture... AND, if i continute tracing this back, it would take all day... and this doesn't make much sense at all so I would stop here!!! hehe!!! that thing about the avoiding racism is just like the thing i find funny in people. trying to find faster and less traffic routes in the road... When they think that it is not traffic in another route, they would all go there not knowing that many of them were also thinking the same... Then, they are surprised that the route became traffic!!! of course, you piled yourself up in that route!!! Oh my god!!! i still need to find a way to meet my friend, Ate Joy!!! i consider her my best friend though she's already in 4rth year college and we have never met at all... But, the thing is, we might be going to Dumaguete and i don't have money!!! Shit!!! I wouldn't want her to think na "iinjanin" ko siya at di ako "sisipot"!!! Still have to call her and explain...
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| Ako ang beer na light na extra strong!!! hehe!!! Simple but sensible quotes... |
| 05.27.04 (3:02 am) [edit] |
"wait an hour... take a piss, feel the bliss!!!"
ïƒ the quotes i make really sound stupid huh!!! well, it is!!! but i can explain... don't judge it yet... hehe!! don't be like those people in The Little Prince who judged the funky looking scientist in a costume... first of all, i don't look funky... and the essense in this stupid quote of mine is prolonging small, petty pleasures and enduring hardships for a bigger pleasure... this is probably the secret of the true "magagaling na tarantado" people... they won't make a kill immediately... and you might mistake them for letting a great opportunity slip their grasp... but on the contrary, they see the bigger picture... patience is the secret!!!
"Palakihin mo muna ang baboy bago mo katayin"...
ïƒ it means almost the same thing... and as my dad would say in this self-explenatory but often missed and forgotten quotes of mine, "May matuwid ang iyong baluktot" hehe!!
?It may not bark, but it sure might bite?
ïƒ this one, I made by myself? not sure if someone else has already made such a quote? personally, I kinda like simple quotes? that?s why I chose this one to write? doesn?t give me a hard time rephrasing, enriching and simplifying what I want to say? and it?s pretty self explanatory.. and you?ve guessed it!!! I got the idea from that song dancing in the moonlight?
?Speak softly? carry a big stick??
ïƒ this one? my dad read from some book.. it was said by some famous military leader? get it??? and i apply this in real life... hehe!!!
?A cat can have kittens in the oven, but that doesn?t make them cookies?
?If the shoe don?t fit you, then it aint yours?
ïƒ these two? I heard from Frasier? hehe!!
?an idle mind is a devil?s workshop?
ïƒ this one? was said by no other than our well- known and highly- respected social studies teacher in the first year, Mrs. Alejandro!!!! I remembered it a few days ago when I was watching the news about some girl who was raped and killed? and I said to my dad? ?Maiintindihan ko pa kung pumatay para sa pera? syempre kailangan niya yun para mabuhay? that?s one of the laws of nature? pero eto, malabo na talaga ito?? and he explained? ?that?s why you need to work? work as in have a purpose.. something to do? kc an idle mind has plenty of room for such?? And so I remembered this quote?
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| Melody... Circumcision... and "Boss Adik"... hehe!!! |
| 05.27.04 (2:44 am) [edit] |
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Melody… is our maid whom I was always making fun of… One time, before we went to the swimming, I really pissed her off because I was picking on her that whole day… I woke up early and I saw her sitting and I talked to her about non- sense stuff… but it didn’t work so I stopped… She even liked the topics… then, I told her to look at a picture of a handsome model in her bench paper bag and asked her what would she change in the model’s face to make it look like her boyfriend… I was actually trying to see what parts of his boyfriend’s face she was not contented with… But, again, I failed because she was actually very contented with her b.f. or she was just joking with me… “Mas pogi pa diyan b.f. ko”, she said… But then I really caught her off- guard when she was taking a bath and I put that bench paper bag with a face of a guy in the window of our C.R… She screamed, “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!” and she was really surprised… it gave me a very good laugh… I laughed hard and so did she!!! Then, one time, she was cutting onions and I saw tears flowing down her eyes… and I told her, “Bakit ka umiiyak???? Naaawa ka sa sibuyas!!! Napaka-sensitive mo naman… para bagang hayop yan o tao eh”… when all along, I knew she was crying because of the effect of the onion’s scent… but she took my argument!!! And I told her “ang pumapatol sa tanga, ay mas tanga pa”… and then I tried spraying my water gun at her while she was folding our clothes… and then I asked her to look at the ball I was holding and imagine something… as in, anything…. Just trying to see if she was alert… but pretty soon, she was daydreaming and I tossed the ball and it hit her in the chest… oh, speaking of the chest, I knew one question that never fails to get her mad, “Uuuuuuy!!! Hala!!! Ano yang nasa dibdib mo????!!!!” so, just imagine how miserable each day of her life is with me around… hehe!!! But I give her a lot of credit for being such a sport and putting up with me… And as a consolation prize, I sometimes help her with the chores and sometimes, although very seldom, I have a decent conversation with her and even give her advise on her life… Sometimes, they were really obscene but was also very practical… like one time when she said that she wanted to go to Japan to be a dancer and I greatly worried about that… and I told her that a lot comes along with that occupation… like it would also make her a prostitute… and I told her “pag pinutol ko kamay mo, magkano mo ibebenta???” she answered. “abah, mahigit pa sa 1 million!!!” “eh, kapag paa mo pinutol ko, tingin mo magkano dapat???”, “ganun din” and finally, “Kung ganun pala kataas ang pagpapahalaga mo sa sarili mo, bakit mo ibebenta mo sarili mo sa mga hapon sa murang halaga lang?????!!!” actually, even 1 million wouldn’t be enough to pay for any of my limbs, if I were the one asked… 1 million is actually worthless in real life!!! The thought of it is just surprising to the ear… And I also told her not to continue her 4rth year in high school because she was already 19 and it would not change a thing anymore… you know, it won’t get her a better job… She should just save her money!!! Hehe!!! Enough with the anecdote… the next topic would be circumcision!!! Hehe!!! Because my little bro just got circumcised… I remember when I was trying to reason my way out of that awful experience coz I wanted to make the most out of my summer… and besides, where’s the reason in that???? Everyone knows it actually has no medical purpose!!! I tried various excuses like “Nabubutihang balot at protektado, sisirain niyo!!”, “Kumpletong tao ako eh, tapos babawasan niyo”… too bad, I was cornered… my dad told me that I would be pestered my entire life if I didn’t go through it… Then I want to tell you about our nasty artist in our compute shop… Richard Golimlim!!! Our other employees were complaining about him… he is the manager of the shop and he calls himself and also wants everybody else to call him by the name, “Boss adik”… and his habits… are just so disgusting!!! He scratches his “balls” and his butt then he touches the mouse and keyboard of the PCs in the shop!!! He picks his nose with a Panda ball pen and a rolled face towel!!! Then he suddenly touches his nipples in the middle of a conversation with him… but, that doesn’t bother us at all coz he’s such a talented artist and designer of the yearbooks we make…
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| Logical thinking lost... in the flight of a desperate heart... |
| 05.26.04 (4:02 pm) [edit] |
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I went out… this time, I’m on my feet rather than on wheels… I walked to the not so near park just to think things over… It was about 8:00 in the evening… I sat on a swing… Taking a look around me, happy lovers sitting on a big narra tree… the tree was bent slanting down to the ground like a big bench… I think it’s because it was already cut long ago and it rooted itself back to the ground… They were just so happy--- sitting together, smiling at each other, bodies all tangled up with their partners and just telling stories… They seem to be so happy… for now… I pity them… Pretty soon the girls will be getting pregnant and will be forced to live under one roof with someone who doesn’t even care for them… That’s as good as it can be… They might even be left by their temporary lovers… I pity me… Loving so much and so truly yet I’m here, all alone and lonely… I always cared about the future… our future… HER future… Them—they seem to care about here and now… I thought, what if I become just like them… Tickling my lover’s fancies and telling her want she wants to hear… rather than what I really feel and what’s really on my mind… I mean, it pays off… they’re just so happy together… But, then again, I can’t stand the guilt… I only say what I mean… that’s why I say so little… I sat there, thinking of things I have to ask her… I had no pen and paper so I wrote on the sand underneath the swing… a single word can remind me so much… a single letter brings back so many memories… And every time I see something related to her, it just brings back so much memories… I got tired of looking around so I looked up… and as I looked up, I saw very few shining stars that decorated the mosaic of the heavens… then I blinked and took a closer look, and I saw many many stars… and one always tends to see only the brightest of them… Maybe that could mean something… At the height of ambition, you would only see the grandest options… but when you take a closer look, you would realize, that in life, you have so many options… So even a little bit, I was consoled… and I would like to believe that that was God giving me the answers to my prayers… then I saw another answer, seeing this kid play with the swing and swing really high up in the air… I said to myself “Bibong-bibo to ah, kandidato ito sa bukol”… then he just fell to the ground and hit the sand with much momentum… good for him, he stood up immediately with a very small scratch in the forehead… and then I suddenly learned a lesson, “the higher you fly, the harder you fall” and I was flying so high and almost defying gravity lost in love… and the way he immediately stood up inspired me to do the same… stand up!! Even more seemingly miraculous when I was about to sleep at home… I asked the biggest question ever made, WHY??? Then much to my surprise, I got bored and picked up the book, The Little Prince, even though I have already read it when I was just a kid… And the part about him leaving the flower… when the flower was being so vain and even lying to get what she wants… then the little prince made an escape from her… and a long time after that, he realized that the flower he had was very special!!!! the flower was the only one for him even if there was a thousand more of that flower… and it touched me when I read the part about taming… I can never replace her!!! Even if there are so many all over the world who is almost like her… the time and love I invested on her makes the difference…. And then he also realized that the flowers little mistakes and lies should have been forgotten and accepted because she brought much fragrance and beauty to his small planet…. Thanks to God, I had my answers… But too bad for me, my emotions are too violently loud for me to hear them… I am not yet contented… and why is God giving me such contradicting and confusing answers… (even more mysterious when I was pressing the shift key to capitalize the G in God… it won’t become a big G until the 5th time I pressed it… sounds superstitious but that might mean that one of the answers was not from God…)
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| I'M SORRY... |
| 05.20.04 (6:10 am) [edit] |
I'M SORRY... IM SURE THIS BLOG IS BEGINNING TO BORE YOU, BY NOW... I HAVEN'T POSTED ANYTHING FOR QUITE A LONG TIME... THIS IS MY ONLY WAY CONNECTING TO YOU PEOPLE... newayz, it’s jus lately that I realized how long and how far I’ve gone off track... And yet, I’ve been speeding … I took this journey as a race and I thought I was on the lead… until I realized that I was on the wrong way… Sure, I followed my principle… be one of the best on whatever I do… Not knowing that I was doing my best on the wrong, and not worthwhile things… My priorities were all screwed up…it's just now that I've been trying to find a big U- turn slot in this fast- paced highway of life... and It’s just now I’ve found that much awaited chance of mine to turn back and start again... and after that, I still have to make big choices in this multiple branching intersections... and of course, I need a stop to think things over... and I'm glad I saw this bright red light... some time... too busy doing nothing... nothing but thinking... slowly but surely... and all these scrambled froth of thoughts in my head settle to it's back to it's natural flow... coz I still consider taking the same lovely road I once took… a free, smooth- sailing highway… where we give and take… and we run freely from all the rules and restrictions the law has ever made… It’s so sad that it seems that this road has been permanently blocked from me... And I really wanted to take that wonderful route so badly, regardless of where it would take me… and I remembered how much I was obsessed with that “piece of the road” I had for myself… Looking back, that was very foolish of me… because no matter how smooth and beautiful that part of the road may be, it would take me nowhere… it would just leave me stranded and lost… AS DAN AND I WOULD SAY... YOU MIGHT FEEL LIKE A POET, BUT YOU SOUND LIKE AN IDIOT!!! UNFORTUNATELY FOR ME, I NEITHER FEEL NOR SOUND LIKE A POET... I JUST TALK!!! HEHEHEHEHE!!!
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| Funky events... What a funky day... |
| 05.10.04 (6:57 am) [edit] |
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Funky"... out of all the words I could add to enrich my active vocabulary, I chose "funky"... I like this word... Why??? it's a very versatile adjective!!! You can use it to describe anything as long as you mean something weird or suspicious or many other things... you just write it with confidence... It doesn't have any synonym in the microsoft word thesaurus... speaking of funky, i got that word from the movie I watched that made me laugh til tears fell from my eyes... that comedy movie, Corky Romano!!! I don't think you'll like that movie too... considering that you're such intellectual people with much skill in choosing the most sensible movies... it's almost like that slap stick style comedy that would make you sick to your stomachs... But, when I look at it... In watching comedy movies, it doesn't have to have much depth at all... I mean, the more it doesn't require the effort of thinking to get the jokes, the easier I burst into laughter... it's something spontaneous... You know that Frasier tele- series in star world??? they're so damn refined but when you look at it, they're just one big freak show!!! that's what makes me laugh sometimes... the irony in the stupidity and shallowness of such supposed-to-be intellectual people... And another show that makes me laugh is that show Just Shoot Me... I very seldom watch it but it will do... it just makes me feel so disappointed about the world noticing that their lives revolve around fashion, parties, and the most intriguing of all, xes!!! (you know what i mean... i just dnt wanna see tht word coz it makes me feel very uncomfortble... the idea instilled into it by our society just makes me scared of growing up) Back to the story, it's a funky day because I was walking at about 8:00 in the evening to buy a cup of mocha Zagu shake and I saw this young girl from the place where I always buy shawarma... She was walking alone in the dark... and I saw these funky looking guys with their nasty looks on her... so I went to back the girl up in case anything bad happens... and it surprised me when she ran away from me like she was really terrified!!! not by the "goony" luking guys but by me... One thing I wanna tell her is that hello, I'm the good guy here... Another funky thing I wanna tell you all is the funkiest of all... that big event in the big event, the basketball league... the team, Maxibilt is composed of hotheaded over- aged players playing in the mosquito division... one of them picked a fight with the referee and kicked him twice... of course, the referee fought back... before you know it, they're all in one big riot with the Maxibilt fans all over the referee and the people from the plaza who were just trying to mediate... then one guy, with his shirt all torn apart and his bare nipples showing, momentarily stops the chaos by screaming "Hindi naman ako kasama dito ah... bakit dinadamay niyo ako!!!" Suddenly, he brought out a samurai!!! the people, instead of running, looked at the samurai in sheer amazement instead of fear and said "Oooooooh", as if in a cartoon... He went around swaying it on the Maxibilt players... Pretty soon they were all running for their lives and one almost got slashed... Sounds unbelievable, huh... Well, I can't believe my own eyes either... Pero you can ask for yourself and I'm placing my bet on it... The funny and funky thing is the day after, league is back in action and everyone acted almost as if nothing happened... but ask them and it's something they would never forget...
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| Some of my fears... |
| 05.08.04 (10:32 pm) [edit] |
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Sometimes it scares me… that I might get attached to the songs I like so much… and I might slowly and unconsciously convince my mind to pattern my life into that music… I mean, at first you would like plainly the music itself… how it makes you feel… but once you become aware of the lyrics and it’s message and you begin to like it too, that’s something that really alarms me… You know, the immorality in all the popular music nowadays… or just the fact that it might disrupt and dominate the way you make decisions in your life as you unconsciously pattern your thinking into the music… And it scares me even more if same sort of thing happens to one of the very few people I love (especially Her)
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| Songs again... |
| 05.08.04 (10:29 pm) [edit] |
Most songs we like because we can relate to it... But, sometimes we like songs even if we can't relate to it... even if it's really far from our situation... Sometimes it's not the lyrics at all... It might be the music... But for me, it is usually because it triggers your mind to remember... There are songs that make me remember the exact feeling... the smell, the taste, the sights, the ambiance, everything... of a certain time in my life that I want to remember… Like these songs...
SOMEWHERE OUT THERE
Last time I talked to you
You were lonely and out of place
You were looking down on me
Lost out in space
We laid underneath the stars
Strung out and feeling brave
I watched the red orange glow
I watched you float away
Down here in the atmosphere
Garbage and city lights
You've gone to save your tired soul
You've gone to save our lives
I turned on the radio
To find you on satellite
I’m waiting for this sky to fall
I’m waiting for a sign
All we are
Is all so far
You're falling back to me
You're a star that I can see
I know you're out there
Somewhere out there
You're falling out of reach
Defying gravity
I know you're out there
Somewhere out there
Hope you remember me
When you're home sick
and need a change
I miss your purple hair
I miss the way you taste
I know you'll come back someday
On a bed of nails I’ll wait
I’m praying that you don’t burn out
Or fade away
All we are
Is all so far
You're falling back to me
You're a star that I can see
I know you're out there
Somewhere out there
You're falling out of reach
Defying gravity
I know you're out there
Somewhere out there
You're falling back to me
You're a star that I can see
I know you're out there
You're falling out of reach
Defying gravity
I know you're out there
Somewhere out there
You're falling back to me
You're a star that I can see
I know you're out there
Somewhere out there
You're falling out of reach
Defying gravity
I know you're out there
Somewhere out there
You're falling back to me
I know
I know
You're falling out of reach
I know
this one... i like because it reminds me of our field trip... It was in 1st year... it was really memorable to me because i met Australyn there... for the 2nd time, that is... I was getting all wild with my classmates... like sum sort of chimp, i was making my way from the front to the end of the bus... I never knew that one look can tame me down... and after that, in a very very wide parking lot, my friend J.M. and I were just running... running as fast as we can... as if we were being chased... nothing in our minds... running like there's no tommorow... It felt so free... and I was surprised when I saw her running to and we passed her...
DANCING IN THE MOONLIGHT
We get it on most every night
when that moon is big and bright
its a supernatural delight
everybodys dancing in the moonlight
we get
everybody here is out of sight
they dont bark and they dont bite
they keep things loose they keep it tight
everybodys dancing in the moonlight
dancing in the moonlight
everybodys feeling warm and bright
its such a fine and natural sight
everybodys dancing in the moonlight
we like our fun and we never fight
you cant dance and stay uptight
its a supernatural delight
everybody was dancing in the moonlight
dancing in the moonlight
everybodys feeling warm and bright
its such a fine and natural sight
everybodys dancing in the moonlight
we get in on most every night
and when that moon is big and bright
its a supernatural delight
everybodys dancing in the moonlight
dancing in the moonlight
everybodys feeling warm and bright
its such a fine and natural sight
everybodys dancing in the moonlight
[repeat and fade]
WASTING MY TIME
Well I don't want to see you waiting
I've already gone too far away
I still can't keep the day from ending
No more messed up reasons for me to stay
Well this is not for real
Afraid to feel
I just hit the floor
Don't ask for more
I'm wasting my time
I'm wasting my time
You can't stop the feeling
And there's no reason
Let's make the call
And take it all again
Woah again
Months went by with us pretending
When did our light turn from green to red
I took a chance and left you standing
Lost the will to do this once again
Well this is not for real
Afraid to feel
I just hit the floor
Don't ask for more
I'm wasting my time
I'm wasting my time
You can't stop the feeling
And there's no reason
Let's make the call
And take it all
I'm wasting my time
I'm wasting my time again
Woah again
See you waiting
Lonesome, lonely
See you waiting
I see you waiting
Well this is not for real
Afraid to feel
I just hit the floor
Don't ask for more
I'm wasting my time
I'm wasting my time
You can't stop the feeling
And there's no reason
Let's make the call
And take it all
I'm wasting my time
I'm wasting...
These songs, I remember the times when I was somehow humiliating myself by working in renovating the house of our neighbor... construction... I like putting myself down to earth... it reminds me of my limitations and yet, it makes me feel lucky that I am doing it by choice... not having no other choice than to live like that... (Hey... too much bout that... I should not boast about humility...) I remember when I woke up early everyday to buy food for the chickens... as a favor for Noli... i rode my bike... then me and my friends work for 3 days renovating a house... getting dirt all over me and learning how to mix cement... all the fun in hammering to wreck unwanted structures... learning to be patient with those young daughters of the owner of the house who kept bugging us to do things that were not in our job description (like fixing their pool... their bikes... etc. I deleted the adjective but it's somehow true... their pretty weird and unique when you get to know them).. and after all those, just having a light, pointless conversation with my friends... waiting for the payment... and just giving it away to my friend, Randy, because he ran away from his father… After that, he was sleeping in the plaza everyday and he was eating a few packs of Marie biscuits to survive each day… Oh, those days crept to my memories whenever I heard these songs... I was homesick even after 10 months that we left that place and I was already in 1st year... And these were also the days when I was making use of the little of what I learned in boxing and my friends were setting up fights and placing their bets on me... I only got half of the money...
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| Heaven knows... |
| 05.06.04 (11:50 am) [edit] |
She's always on my mind from the time
I wake up 'till I close my eyes
She's everywhere I go
She's all I know
And though she's so far away
It just keeps gettin' stronger
Heaven knows every day
And even now she's gone
I'm still holding on
So tell me where do I start
'cause it's breakin' my heart
Don't wanna let her go
Maybe my love will come back some day
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find a way
Only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and pray
'cause heaven knows
My friends keep tellin' me
That if you really love her
You've gotta set her free
And if she returns in kind
I'll know she's mine
So tell me where do I start
'cause it's breakin' my heart
Don't wanna let her go
Maybe my love will come back some day
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find a way
Only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and pray
'cause heaven knows
WHY I LIVE IN DESPAIR
'CAUSE WIDE AWAKE OR DREAMING
I KNOW SHE'S NEVER THERE
AND ALL THE TIME I ASK SO BRAVE
I'M SHAKING INSIDE
WHY DOES IT HURT ME SO
(these are the lines which I can really relate to...)
Maybe my love will come back some day
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find a way
Only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and pray
'cause heaven knows
Heaven knows
Heaven knows
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| Love... |
| 05.06.04 (11:10 am) [edit] |
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I woke up today… with a hang- over… not that was drunk yesterday or anything… I was intoxicated with indescribable emotions… all I know is that they’re intense and in the purest and crudest form… And I think they’ll be staying with me for a really long time… It was partly from the unresolved conflicts my girlfriend and I left last night… See, I never let a day pass without fixing any arguments and altercations that I believe will be crucial in our relationship… I have so many times made such compromises that bent my will down to the ground… And still, I return to my normal state of peace and harmony of feelings and thoughts… I just need to feel assured… But now, I’m feeling really disturbed… It’s such a sad day for me… I swallowed all my pride… I begged… I tried the best I can… This is such a disappointment for me… I’ve succeeded on the things that I took seriously… And I took this most seriously than anything… I loved so much… I even remember me telling myself whenever I questioned why I was doing such things that seemed really unreasonable just for the sake of love… I comforted myself… I thought “They can say anything they want but I will never give- up… this is the real thing… this is all I’ve ever dreamed of… someday, I will look back and laugh at them who discourage me and say that I have my priorities all screwed- up… I have a partner… We are invincible… We’ll beat the odds together”… Little did I know that all those high spirited thinking of mine was just like giving morphine to my dying dreams… I don’t even wanna talk about it because I don’t wanna ruin her… It would be unfair… I try my best to be unbiased but of course, this might still be a little inclined to me… She’s actually a very good person… a very beautiful person inside and out… (I’m sorry… I can only speak with such broad positive descriptions of her because I admit, I’m still a little bit confused right now)… There’s nothing for me to hate about her except that she told me that she loves me… truly… but it seems like she actually doesn’t… I’m not being self- righteous here but I believe I deserve better than to be treated like this… I know I have also wronged her many times, but I explained to her so many times that I was doing it all just for us… “Mababaw lang ang kaligayahan ko… You have given me so much love but I need peace… I need the truth… yun lang… I have grown to love you so much kaya I can accept you for whoever you are… If I will be living with you for the rest of my entire life, I need to know who you really are… what you really want… who you really want to be… your dreams… your deepest thoughts… your intentions… I just want you to be completely honest and open to me… honesty, dedication and loyalty… that’s all I ask… It’s not as if I’m asking for intimacy or anything… Kaya kung ganito ako, please understand my frustrations… Lalagpas rin tayo dito… the pain and sadness is temporary but the love, peace and happiness I have for you is everlasting… I have so much beautiful plans for you” I explained… But I see so little will in her… Maybe we weren’t really meant to be… And what hurts most is being accused that you are the one to bring down the love that you yourself have worked so hard to build… And now, seeing the debris… all the pieces broken apart... You would not know where to start… I would be so eager to rebuild it if I’m sure it would be stronger than ever… if I know that it would even merely stand a chance… but knowing that with the slightest disturbance, it would crumble down again, I fear that I will have to give up… once and for all… I’M SORRY IF MY ENTRY IS LIKE THIS… PLEASE DON’T BELIEVE ME EASILY… JUST LISTEN... I JUST NEED A "SOUNDING BOARD"... YOU KNOW THIS IS CHARGED WITH MY EMOTIONS AND STILL SOMEHOW BIASED…
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